MOVIES: Fifty Shades of Grey - How do I loathe thee? - Review

In what is meant to be a climactic scene in Fifty Shades of Grey, doe-eyed Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) tells her Dominant (a BDSM euphemism for master), Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), to do his worst and show her just how “unconventional” his tastes really are. As Christian strikes Anastasia across her bare backside with a riding crop, he forces her to count out loud the number of lashes he has doled out.

The pain inflicted upon Anastasia will be felt by anyone whose own masochism leads them to watch Fifty Shades of Grey. In the spirit of the film’s ridiculous and hollow finale, let’s count the types of punishment inflicted upon the audience.

1. The flat performances of the two leads, Johnson and Dornan, echo the shallow nature of the characters. Johnson limits herself to two facial expressions: lip-biting -- meant to be sexy -- or wide-eyed “Gee, mister, I’ve never heard of that before” surprise. Dornan, who is excellent and superbly creepy in the British series The Fall, speaks with a stilted rhythm as if he is more focused on pulling off an American accent (he doesn’t) than giving any semblance of emotion to his delivery.

2. More shaky than Dornan’s accent is the asinine dialogue the actors are forced to deliver. The screenplay adaptation was written by Kelly Marcel and if what we hear in the movie is indicative of author EL James’ skills as a writer, it is now even a greater mystery how the Fifty Shades series has sold millions of books. Subtext? A waste of time. Marcel and James seem to think Christian’s oft-repeated “I don’t do…” mantra makes him elusive and, thus, sexier. In reality, it’s just a lazy way to have a someone verbally define himself rather than build an authentic character who traits are revealed through actions and emotions.

3. Almost as averse to subtlety is director Sam Taylor-Johnson whose idea of symbolism is Anastasia being shocked as she stares up at a large, gray phallic-shaped building. If that isn’t transparent enough for you, a few scenes later Anastasia is sucking on a gray pencil with the word “Grey” on it as she daydreams about Christian GREY. Get it?!

4.Credit must be given to Taylor-Johnson, though, because she has done her homework. In the same way Quentin Tarantino pays homage to 70s blaxploitation and kung fu films, Taylor-Johnson tries to emulate the straight-to-video erotic thrillers of the early 1990s. Overbearing score? Check. Plenty of gratuitous female nudity? You bet. Sex scenes that go on for far too long and don’t propel the story forward? Oh yeah.

5. Also lacking from the story is any discernible motivation for the characters. Anastasia is attracted to Christian because he is handsome. But when she finds out about his fetish and his playroom (seriously, that’s what it’s called), why does she insist on continuing the relationship? Deep down is the really a closet Submissive? It doesn’t appear so. Does she think she can change Christian despite him explicitly telling her this is all he’s interested in? And why does Christian begin to open himself up to her? He says “I can’t control myself around you?” But why? She doesn’t fit his ideal fantasy and with his resources surely he can find another young girl to prey upon. It’s impossible to take a movie seriously with characters who behave so counterintuitively.

6. Possibly the most piercing pain comes from the fact that two sequels have already received a greenlight before Fifty Shades has even opened. That means 1) soon two more piles of garbage will exist and 2) more money will be funneled into the Fifty Shades franchise rather than invested in promising young filmmakers who have a unique and independent voice that should be heard.

Grade: F

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